So i realized that my posts were getting a little superficial. I tend to do that...not really letting people know how I am feeling or what I am thinking.
I went to my "best" friend's wedding this weekend. Best is in quotation marks because it wasn't until recently that I really understood what that meant.
Until this past year, there was never anyone that really knew everything about me. It wasn't something I planned. She tricked me. Well, that's not completely true......there were some instances, that were out of my control or hers, where things were brought to light. The person I am referring to is my current roomate and friend of course. I have only known her for about 3 years, but she knows more about me than anyone else in the world. More than even the people I call my "best" friends know. More than even my ex-gf of two years knows.
A best friend is someone you should be able to tell anything to and not worry about it changing how they feel about you. It seems so simple, but I never really took advantage of this, even though now I know it has been right in front of my face the whole time. I know my "best" friend, whos wedding I attended last weekend, cares deeply for me, but somehow I have managed to hide the fact that I am a lesbian from her for almost four years ( I only started admitting to myself that I was a lesbian four years ago). I have known her for eight years and I have this extreme fear that things will be different, in a bad way, if I tell her.
I am reaching the point now though that I just want to blurt it out to her, but every time I try, I just can't get the words to come out of my mouth. She kept telling me this weekend how much I mean to her and how I am her best friend. I feel like I am cheating her by not letting her in on my big gay secret.
I have to tell her. It scares the shit outta me. But I can't keep pretending, she deserves to know. She has told me her deepest darkest secrets......
I am thinking of going with something like this: "Hey, did you have fun on your honeymoon in Ireland....I'm gay."
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i went thru this exact same thing!
ReplyDeleteit's the scariest thing ever.
but my friend was like, "who cares? as long as you're happy".
phew!
if she's truly your bff, she'll love you no matter what.
I've found that sometimes coming out to people that are close to me is more of a bigger deal in my head than it needed to be. Most cases they already knew or had some inkling.
ReplyDeleteThe whole coming out process is an individual process and can take a long time so don't beat yourself up over it. It does sound like you're ready to tell her though.
A T-shirt with "hey,hey i'm gay" could spark the conversation.
wishing you the best.
....and you don't suck at life.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't use this as proof of generalized life sucking :)
ReplyDelete"She kept telling me this weekend how much I mean to her and how I am her best friend."
Maybe, as Jude notes, she already suspects and is throwing out invitations?
Allison
I came out to my seIf only last year and to my 'best' friend of over 20 years a couple of weeks ago. It is true what they say about the build up being much worse than the reality. I drove 150 miles to tell her, it was time and I needed to do it face to face rather than over the phone, if a friend is a real friend they will just want you to be happy.
ReplyDeleteYou know I had a friend that I came out to and it scared the hell out of me. I loved her like a sister. Strange thing is that I found it easier coming out to my family then her. She took it well, hell even better then family. A true friend as you know will accept you no matter who you are. They may not agree, nor do they have to. But the love and respect should never change if they are worth the friendship. I think I felt more guilt about hiding something to ... but there will come a time and place where you are comfy ... sounds like you are setting the "room" for that comfy level. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your supportive words! It really helps to know that other people have gone through the same thing and everything was fine.
ReplyDeleteI have used her impending wedding as a reason not to tell her, because I didn't want to affect her wedding negatively in any way. I am running out of excuses now that the wedding has come and gone...
I'm with Jude. Maybe she already knows or has suspicion and is trying to tell you no matter who you tell her she'll still be your best girl.
ReplyDeletesweetie!!! you don't suck at life lol. you say that far too often. You're a doll, and you know she loves you and she most likely won't care. I had no idea she didnt know about you! Let me know how it goes and let me know also if you need a pep talk hehe. you know you and i are both good for those with each other. I miss talking to you!
ReplyDelete