It all started with my roomate asking me if the GF is the 'The One'.
Questions of this nature make me skrink back into a tight little ball.
I do better if you slowly start to chip away, not when try to dive right into the center.
You would think she would know this about me by now. I am not like her. However, that does not make me less of a person or make my relationships less valuable.
She is supposed to be my friend. She considers herself non-judgemental.
My response to her asking if the GF was 'The One' was that I have a hard time looking that far ahead. There are things that I have to face that are very scary to me and I am not ready to got here yet.
Her response: Its simple. She either is or she isn't.
Me: Its not that simple for me.
Her: You just aren't comfortable in your own skin yet.
Me: Maybe not. But I am working on it.
Her: Well maybe you shouldn't be in a serious relationship.
Me: Speechless
Many things ended up being discussed.
One was my fear of coming out to my friends and family. She said that if she fell in love with another woman, she would have no problem telling anyone because she only keeps good people around her.
ouch. So is she trying to tell me I keep a low quality of friends around and that is why I am fearful? That is what it feels like.
She has another friend that is a lesbian. That other friend told my friend (A) that she didn't have a second thought about about loving another woman and coming out to absoultely everyone.
Sorry A, I am not like your other lesbian friend. But, as you imply, it does not make my friends, bad friends. In fact, they have been amazing. It is just scary for me. Sorry if I can't explain that to you with enough clarity that you get it.
Sorry for the senseless rambling. I can't even recall parts of the conversation. I was so frustrated.
She is sooo judgemental. She did her best to devalue my relationships with my friends and girlfriend. I am going to have to either say something to her and/or rethink this friendship.
If it weren't for this blogging world, I might have left thinking that I am an awful person for having the fears I do. Should a friend do that to you?
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First of all, you need to do all things in your own time. I don't care if you are gay or straight, no one, even in a serious, committed relationship knows if the other one is "The One" and frankly, it doesn't matter. Is your significant other making you happy? That is all you need to worry about. Secondly, straight people don't just run out and tell everyone they are dating or whatever, they just date. Why should it be any different?!?
ReplyDeletePeople don't disclose everything about themselves to all that are involved. Why would people care if I have my nipples pierced? Does that change anything about me and my relationship? I think not. Therefore, telling everyone around you that you are a lesbian really has no effect on how you live out your life. Take your time. Do what is comfortable for you and also thank you for sharing. Getting it out helps!
the only thing that we can be absolutely sure of in this life, is that nothing is for sure.
ReplyDeleteyour roomie has some issues regarding tact and personal space. she considers herself non-judgemental, but that's precisely what she's proved that she isn't by putting you and your relationship on the spot like she has. Quite frankly, it's none of her business how you perceive your GF or your personal journey to openess....
and you're not an awful person based on your choices and fears. If we all felt the same about everything, there'd be no reason to think. Your roomie has no right to expect you to adopt her attitude, it's tacky and self-centered. Don't let her bring you down Squirty..you're A-ok in my book :)
If anything I would rethink your friendship with this so called friend because no, a friend shouldn't make you feel like you're a terrible person. That's just horrible, she must be jealous of you.
ReplyDeleteThe "coming out" process does not have a blueprint to follow. It's different for everyone but don't expect a straight person to have any sense of this either although she should be opened enough to understand this.
I liked what Jess said too concerning "is this the one?" I mean really your GF is the one right now but 1, 3, 5 years down the road?? Who can answer that question yet your friend expects you to?
Hey, you got your head on right and you're a smart girl. Live your life your way Kid.
Yep, yep. What the others said.
ReplyDeleteBlunt and tactless might be a good descriptor for her. I would hope though that she's just ignorant and not actually trying to make you feel bad. I suspect that's the case.
Not sure she'd be able to tell you if anyone she dates is "the one" either. Besides, if you & GF are happy who cares. :)
Yeah, I agree with others, that wasn't cool at all. Don't worry about her being "the one". Talk about pressure. Who cares if you every feel that way. If you are happy with being with her, that is all that matters. Don't put pressure on something that isn't needed. Just enjoy the time.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your friend being judgemental, I agree with Jude, no need for friends to make you feel like that. Don't listen to what she says, that isn't right. If you aren't comfortable coming out or opening up like she is, then so be it. Doesn't make you any less of a person. We are all different and handle things differently. There is nothing wrong with that. She can deal with things in her own way and if is a true friend will support your ways too regardless what they are.
What everyone else has already said goes for me too. I am surprised you have had this conversation with her and completely understand your need to vent after it.
ReplyDeleteSquirty dont ever let other people make you doubt your relationships, they are yours and yours alone whether they are friendships or something more.
And remember, it is definitely not your issue, you have become a very dear friend to me and I know I am a good judge of character, LOL
I think everyone said it best. A friend should never make you feel that way. The friend should respect your feelings and be there for you. Sorry you hang in there (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else here, your friend should not make you feel uncomfortable like that and she should respect you and your feelings.
ReplyDeleteEveryone comes out at his/her own pace, not when someone else wants you to do it.
:-)
There is no "right" way to come out. That's because every person and every situation is different. You need to do this in your own time, on your own terms. The hell with anyone else's agenda.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much. I can't even explain how confused and frustrated I was after this conversation.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I need to let her read your responses. I love what you all had to say.
I do have to keep reminding myself that it is my journey and that I can do it my way.
Thanks again.
Wow! So I leave the blogger world for a couple months and this is what I have to come back to? I'm so upset that she said that to you! I agree with what everyone else said. It's your journey, and from just seeing you a week ago, you both look simply blissful and happy to me, so who cares what A is asking? I think you're awesome! and you have taken big steps in your journey recently and you should be proud of yourself!!! It's your life, and don't you ever let her make you feel that way again. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWell, hello. This is my first visit to your blog. And I am appalled that a "friend" would be that insensitive and cold-hearted. Whether they understand or not, it is not their place to judge or tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
ReplyDeleteAnd others said it right...there is no ONE way to "come out" to people. We have to decide it on our own. I am in my first BIG lesbian relationship. I have always loved women but have been afraid to get involved with them. But the right one came along and now I can not imagine my life without her.
Take your time and do what you feel comfortable doing. As long as your GF knows you care for her and the two of you are comfortable with your process. I don't see why it is anyone else's business.
I kinda laid it all on the line on my blog when I started talking about my girlfriend. It was full of shock factor.
Charisse - Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving me such thoughtful comments. I have re-evaluated my relationship with this friend and haven taken a step back.
ReplyDelete